A Confession

Something most people don't know about me is I used to hate kids.  I didn't enjoy being around kids at all.  I thought they were ALL obnoxious!  When I was in high school I tried to convince my mother to let me have a hysterectomy because I wasn't having children. EVER!

Luckily, my mother didn't listen to my wild rants. I don't think a doctor would have performed a hysterectomy on a teenage girl with out medical necessity anyway.  

When I got my Patriarchal blessing at 17 I was furious about how it went on and on about motherhood.  I didn't enjoy reading that part and would often skip right over it.  The line that killed me said something to the effect of "I would one day find joy in motherhood."  I was livid! I didn't want to be a mother and it bothered me the Lord wanted me to be a mother.

The Lord spent the next 7-8 years softening my heart.  When I got married at 22 I was coming to grips with having children.  I knew at that point I would have children, but I wasn't excited about it.  I could read my Patriarchal blessing without getting mad.  I started a job with the school district doing speech therapy.  I really loved the kids and enjoyed working with them.  I learned kids can be a lot of fun.  I also realized I had a natural talent of working with children.

I had Grant when I was 25.  I wasn't sure I was ready for the whole mom thing, but the Lord continued to work through my stubbornness.  I didn't want to breastfeed at all because I just didn't want to.  It was just too much sacrifice for me.  I had already sacrificed my body for 9 months and I wasn't going to keep sacrificing it for something as stupid as breastfeeding.  I didn't care how much healthier it was.  I just wasn't going to do it.  I had told Kyle since the day we got married that when we had children I wasn't going to breastfeed them.  Kyle was supportive until we took a parenting class.  The instructor went on and on about how wonderful breastfeeding was.  Kyle was sold!  He tried to convince me to breastfeed Grant, but I refused.  

I am now 31 and just had my second child.  I look back at my thoughts 14 years ago and I am wowed at the transformation.  The first transformation being I have two children.  I never would have dreamed of such a thing!  Second, I was completely devastated when I miscarried in 2011.  The most shocking transformation for me is the fact I wanted to breastfeed my sweet daughter.  Not just wanted to try, but actually tried and enjoyed it!

I also never dreamed I would be a stay at home mom.  I always thought I would work at least 20 hours a week or so.  Yeah, I worked 2 hours this week.  Unless you count the additional 7 hours I was "on call" at home.  I am obviously not working for the money.  I just work for a little escape once in a while and to keep my skills up. 

I really do enjoy being a stay at home mom most of the time.  On nights I get more sleep I am a much better mom.  I enjoy cooking good meals for my family.  (Cooking-another skill I swore I would never enjoy.)  I love playing games with Grant.  I have started teaching him how to read and I have enjoyed watching him learn.  Being a mom can be very rewarding.  I do miss the regular adult interaction that work provides.  But, my children need me right now.  

I marvel at how the Lord works in such mysterious ways.  Motherhood is truly a calling straight from God.  Being a mom is a divine calling and how grateful I am to be a mom.