9-11: A New Meaning

Remember how a few months ago I mentioned something the happened, but I wasn't willing to talk about it.  Well, I am ready to talk about it.  I finally wrote this big awful event down in Celeste's Journal so I don't forget it.

It happened on September 11.  A day I was never going to forget.  An already emotionally charged day for a lot of people, and now very much a day I will really never forget for another reason.

Here you go:

My friend Melisa came over today.  I promised I would help her cut out material for a quilt.  She brought over her girls and Celeste was in heaven.  We started cutting and the girls were just playing in the toy room.

After a while I asked Auna if she could bring over her cutting tools so we could both cut.  Then we could get the fabric cut out a little faster.

Auna brought her tools over and stayed for a minute to talk.  Melisa’s husband had just found out he was getting laid off from his job and she was pretty upset.  The girls were playing on the stairs and the toy room.  We had our eye on them, but after a few minutes we realized Celeste was missing.  

I went upstairs thinking she was probably playing in the toilet or shut herself in a closet.  Melisa looked around downstairs.  Auna noticed my front door was open and went and checked outside.  

After a minute or two we still couldn’t find Celeste.  Auna came back in to see if we had found her.  She said she had looked in her yard, but was going to go over to the other neighbor’s yard.  

Melisa and I kept looking in the house.  Melisa asked me if I was starting to get worried and I said, “yes a little bit but I am sure she is around her somewhere.  I really doubt she is outside.”

Just then Auna came in the house holding a very dirty Celeste.  Auna was very upset and near tears.  She said when she went out to look for Celeste again a construction worker was coming down the alley way holding Celeste.  He wanted to know where her parents were.  He told Auna he has just found Celeste crawling around in the middle of McMillian Road.  Auna said she knew where Celeste belonged and thanked him for rescuing her.  

As Auna is telling me all this I become upset as well.  So many thoughts are going through my head.  There is a ditch right next to the road.  Celeste could have fallen in and drowned.  She was in the middle of the road.  What if a car hit her?  What if someone had just taken her?  

All day I hugged Celeste a little closer and said many prayers of gratitude for her safety.   I was grateful for Auna for being outside and finding her.  I felt horrible all day!  I felt like such a horrible parent and felt so much guilt.  I just felt so awful.  

When Kyle came home I didn’t want to retell the story, but I did.  I will be honest though, I thought he would have been less upset than he was.  I already felt guilty and he didn’t help my feelings.

Then as we are just finishing dinner there is a knock on the door.  There in full uniform is a local police woman.  She said she wanted to just make sure Celeste was ok.  But she gave me quite the interrogation.   She asked me lots of questions and made me retrace my steps.  She informed me that I could’ve been charged with a felony if it was her who had found Celeste.  I felt very vulnerable and almost attacked.  I began to cry and right then Celeste, who had been playing with the light switch on the stairs, falls down the stairs and I barely catch her.  I swear the officer was ready to arrest me right then and there.  

The officer eventually left, but boy was I distraught!  I was annoyed that Kyle didn’t stand up for me.  He just stood there in the kitchen watching the whole thing. I was upset with myself.  I was angry with Celeste for crawling away!  I was mad at the man who rescued Celeste for calling the cops.  

It took me a long time to calm down.  I ended up calling Melisa, Auna, and Erin and told them what happened.  After venting and after they each consoled me a little I felt a little better about things. 

I didn’t tell anyone else for about a week.  I am hoping that one day I will be able to laugh about this.

Bike Ride

Grant and Evy are so big in so many ways that I sometimes forget that they are still so young.  I had the brilliant idea to go for a bike ride with the kids.  I thought we would park by the trail head and bike to the park.  In my mind the ride wasn't too far, but for a 6 year old it was WAY too far!  We weren't on the trail for more than 3 minutes before both of them were complaining about their legs being tired and wanting to go home.

My mom and I pushed them through and got them to ride for a while promising they would get to play at the park.  We also promised we would stop and throw rocks in the river.  

Our plans quickly became unraveled when Grant stopped quickly in front of me.  I swiveled and missed crashing into him by inches.  Evy was distracted and ran right into the back of my bike trailer.  She wasn't wearing shoes just flip flops and she scratched her toe really good.  

We were in the middle of the trail and no way to get her injury taken care of.  It wasn't a horrible scratch and stopped bleeding pretty quickly.  Luckily, she was brave and pushed through.

We stopped at a park and took a rest.  It is a long story, but we didn't have enough water bottles for the kids and we were all very hot and thirsty.  That didn't make matters better.

Preston and Celeste were cramped and hot in the back of the bike trailer and just wanted to go home. The kids hardly played at the play ground.  We turned around and headed back to the car.  Preston was going to die if he didn't throw rocks and so we had to make one more stop.  We threw a few rocks and took off.  Celeste was extremely grumpy by this point and was the only one with water left.  However, while my mom and I were putting the bikes on the bike rack all the other kids drank Celeste's drink.  She was still thirsty and screamed at the top of her lungs the entire way home. 

Our little outing was a lot of work, a lot of pain, and a little fun.

I have learned to do short bike trips and work up to the big trips.  Riding around the neighborhood is not the same as riding a trail.  Pack lots of water!  You can always bring it home.  

Pudding Painting

In January I decided to let Celeste try pudding painting.  I was curious to know if Celeste had any sensory issues.  Well, I don't think I need to worry.  Celeste loved making a mess!

Grant came down in the middle of the painting.  He thought it was hilarious that she was COVERED in pudding.  He wanted to make her messier…like that was possible…but he only wanted to use the tips of his fingers.  The funny part is she got pudding on his arms and the tops of his hands.  He didn't have a problem with it, but after a few minutes went and washed his hands.  

I think it is so good for kids to be allowed to make messes.  I think it is good for kids to be allowed to explore and get messy.  In general kids like to make a mess.  It is mom and dad that can't let messes happen.  As I write this post more than a month later from this incident I am thinking it is time to let me kids make another mess.

The Final Stretch

I have almost survived!  I only have one more week left of work.  I am so glad!  I have loved being a professional again, but I am ready to be home with my kids again.  I really miss them a ton.  Being a mom is a full time job, but then when you add work it is intense.  I have a new found respect for working moms.  I am grateful for a husband who has a good job and is able to support us so I can stay home.

Working

I have been a stay at home mom now for just over 8 months.  It isn't always easy, but I love it.  I love being able to read the Book of Mormon every morning with the kids.  I love being able to talk and play with my sweet children.  I love taking Grant to school every day.  We often talk about creatures and all the features we like about different animals.

I also love being able to cook healthy meals for my family.  We have saved a lot of money by not going out to eat.  We are eating a lot healthier too.

Today I start covering for a SLP at a long term care hospital.  I will be there until December 13th.  I have had so much anxiety about going back to work.  I love being a SLP and I have loved working in the past.  I am just so nervous about trying to balance it all.

I feel like being a mom is a full time job and I am not sure how I am going to manage working full time too.  I have stocked the freezer with freezer meals to try and prepare for the next few weeks.

I have a very nice woman watching the kids and I know she will take good care of the kids.  I will just really miss them.  I hope the next few weeks go smoothly, I earn enough money to make it worth it, and my children have a good time with Brandi.  I am also hoping it will renew my decision to be a stay at home mom.

I love Cereal!

We have had such a difficult time getting Celeste to gain weight I wasn't expecting to start cereal at 4 and a half months.  Dr. Bradford recommended we try cereal before we met with Pat on the 21st of September.  We tried it twice and the first night Celeste didn't care for it, but by the second time she was loving it.

At our therapy appointment Pat highly encouraged us to do cereal.  I have to follow certain techniques to feed Celeste in order to improve her feeding skills.  I have to push down on Celeste's tongue blade until her lips come down around the spoon.  This encourages Celeste to use her tongue to move the food to the back of her mouth and swallow.  I find this helps reduce the amount of cereal she spits out.  If I don't wait for her to put her lips down all the cereal will come shooting back out.

I also have to occasionally put food on the side of her cheeks to encourage tongue lateralization.  Celeste can't move her tongue side to side and will have a very difficult time eating if we don't get her to move her tongue side to side.  

Putting food on her cheeks will also encourage better cheek movement.  Her cheeks are still really tight and I have to rub the outside and inside of her cheeks on a daily basis.  

She is still not great at drinking out of her bottle.  She is still really sloppy and has to burp at least once during a bottle.  She doesn't have the suck-swallow-breath sequence down.  I am not sure we will ever get that down.  

I am so grateful for my knowledge I received in college.  I am so grateful I know what a good eater looks like and more importantly what a bad eater looks like.  I don't mean "good eater" meaning someone who likes to eat everything.  I am defining a good eater as someone who knows how to eat.  I wish I could have helped Celeste by myself and not needed to go to therapy, but I have learned so much from Pat. 

Celeste is getting better at eating and loving being up at the table with us. 

First Nail Painting

A few weeks ago Kyle went to see Lee in Arizona.  He was only gone for the weekend, but I about went crazy!  It was hard to be a single parent.  I know I am a stay at home mom, but when Kyle never came home it was much more challenging.  I quickly found out I rely on Kyle a lot in the evenings.  Thank goodness for my amazing neighbor Auna!  She was my life saver.

One night we had dinner together because her husband took her older kids to a football game.  We ended up having a girl party (poor Grant was the only boy).  We watched Robin Hood and painted nails.  It was the first time Celeste's first time having her toe nails painted.  It was so fun!  I didn't dare paint her fingernails because she always has her hands in her mouth.

A Confession

Something most people don't know about me is I used to hate kids.  I didn't enjoy being around kids at all.  I thought they were ALL obnoxious!  When I was in high school I tried to convince my mother to let me have a hysterectomy because I wasn't having children. EVER!

Luckily, my mother didn't listen to my wild rants. I don't think a doctor would have performed a hysterectomy on a teenage girl with out medical necessity anyway.  

When I got my Patriarchal blessing at 17 I was furious about how it went on and on about motherhood.  I didn't enjoy reading that part and would often skip right over it.  The line that killed me said something to the effect of "I would one day find joy in motherhood."  I was livid! I didn't want to be a mother and it bothered me the Lord wanted me to be a mother.

The Lord spent the next 7-8 years softening my heart.  When I got married at 22 I was coming to grips with having children.  I knew at that point I would have children, but I wasn't excited about it.  I could read my Patriarchal blessing without getting mad.  I started a job with the school district doing speech therapy.  I really loved the kids and enjoyed working with them.  I learned kids can be a lot of fun.  I also realized I had a natural talent of working with children.

I had Grant when I was 25.  I wasn't sure I was ready for the whole mom thing, but the Lord continued to work through my stubbornness.  I didn't want to breastfeed at all because I just didn't want to.  It was just too much sacrifice for me.  I had already sacrificed my body for 9 months and I wasn't going to keep sacrificing it for something as stupid as breastfeeding.  I didn't care how much healthier it was.  I just wasn't going to do it.  I had told Kyle since the day we got married that when we had children I wasn't going to breastfeed them.  Kyle was supportive until we took a parenting class.  The instructor went on and on about how wonderful breastfeeding was.  Kyle was sold!  He tried to convince me to breastfeed Grant, but I refused.  

I am now 31 and just had my second child.  I look back at my thoughts 14 years ago and I am wowed at the transformation.  The first transformation being I have two children.  I never would have dreamed of such a thing!  Second, I was completely devastated when I miscarried in 2011.  The most shocking transformation for me is the fact I wanted to breastfeed my sweet daughter.  Not just wanted to try, but actually tried and enjoyed it!

I also never dreamed I would be a stay at home mom.  I always thought I would work at least 20 hours a week or so.  Yeah, I worked 2 hours this week.  Unless you count the additional 7 hours I was "on call" at home.  I am obviously not working for the money.  I just work for a little escape once in a while and to keep my skills up. 

I really do enjoy being a stay at home mom most of the time.  On nights I get more sleep I am a much better mom.  I enjoy cooking good meals for my family.  (Cooking-another skill I swore I would never enjoy.)  I love playing games with Grant.  I have started teaching him how to read and I have enjoyed watching him learn.  Being a mom can be very rewarding.  I do miss the regular adult interaction that work provides.  But, my children need me right now.  

I marvel at how the Lord works in such mysterious ways.  Motherhood is truly a calling straight from God.  Being a mom is a divine calling and how grateful I am to be a mom.

Breastfeeding Battle: The Last Straw

I was hoping to keep breastfeeding for a while, but it is just not working out.

For the past 6 weeks I have been pumping at every single feeding.  It has been exhausting!  All I do is nurse and pump.  At first Celeste didn't want the milk I pumped, but she is finally growing and now I can't keep up.  She drinks everything I pump and usually wants a bottle after wards too.  

I hate to admit it, but I am resenting her.  I don't enjoy nursing any more because it is just so much work.  I hate that I don't get to spend any time with her unless I am feeding her.   I don't want to quit after we have worked so hard to make this work, but it can't go on like this.  I can't think of anything we haven't tried.  I have talked about breastfeeding to everyone I can think of and no one has any more suggestions.  We are out of ideas.  

I have tried and I would say fail, but we are done.  Done fighting a losing battle.

Breastfeeding Battle: The Saga Continues

Breastfeeding is hard work!  It consumes your life.  Well, the little life you have left after having a newborn.  So why can't I just quit?

I enjoy it!  Well, sometimes I enjoy it.  I just can't let myself quit though.  After two months of time and energy poured into breastfeeding I just can't quit.  There are days when I want to oh so bad.

Let me say though that things are looking much better now.  After spending more than 30 minutes on the phone with the lactation consultant explaining my difficulties she admitted she had no idea how to help me.  Surprisingly enough I wasn't discouraged though.  Something she had said got me thinking.  I had an "ah-ha" moment.  Are you ready?

I realized Celeste won't nurse if she is too wound up.  If she gets to upset and hungry she won't eat.  I didn't think it could be that simple, but I tested my theory and it is true!  True I tell you!  Every other baby I know has to literally be hung by their toes before they are awake enough to eat.  My baby does better if you just wake her up enough to latch on.

It has been a week now and we have had almost all positive breastfeeding sessions!

Celeste is still not gaining weight fast enough.  She is stuck at the second percentile for weight.  But at least we aren't falling off the growth chart.  I had to supplement with formula.  Celeste is still not a champion breastfeeder and I have to pump after every single feeding.  I usually get her to eat the hind milk I pumped and if not I save it for later.  I have no milk stored up and so I don't go any where for more than 2 hours.

I am still very glad I did all the therapy with her though because she really was physical unable to nurse.  I am so glad I worked with the lactation specialists because they were very helpful.  We have made it so far.  I am happy I didn't give up.  I am 75% sure I would  do it all again.

The Big Breastfeeding Battle

The breastfeeding battle begins before Grant was born.  It can be summarized in one sentence,

"I was to proud to even try breastfeeding."

I never would have admitted it back then, but I can admit it now.  I nursed Grant a handful of times just to "release" but it really wasn't more than 5-10 total.

In the next 5 years a lot happened and I am not exactly sure how I changed my mind, but I decided to give breastfeeding a try.  Before Celeste was born my goal was a month.  I thought if I made it past a month and liked it I would keep going.  If I still hated it I would quit.

Celeste was born and I started nursing.  I almost instantly loved it!  I felt so dumb saying it too.  I hate riding the Humble Train.  I had made a big deal with Grant about not breastfeeding and so I was embarrassed to even admit to my mom or sister I was even going to try.  Now I liked it!  Yikes! 

The lactation consultants came into my room and I wasn't embarrassed (I thought I would be) to nurse in front of them.  One of them was not so helpful and one was.  She gave me a few tips, but nothing major.  I totally thought I was a natural!    

I thought everything was going well until we went to Celeste's 5 day doctor appointment.  Celeste had lost more weight since we had left the hospital 2 days ago.  (She weighed 7 lbs. 13 oz. at birth; 7 lbs. 2 oz. when we left the hospital; and now she weighed 7 lbs.) The doctor wanted to see us again in 2 days for another weight check.  When we went back Celeste had gained a little, but not very much.  So we scheduled another weight check in a week.  

At the 2 week old check up Celeste weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz. and now we started worrying.  She should have come up to birth weight by now.  She is not even close!  The doctor wants me to go to the lactation consultant for additional help.  (Here comes that dang Humble Train again!)  I was tempted not to even go because I really didn't think they could do much for me.  Kyle talked me into going and I decided to swallow my pride and go for the sake of my daughter.

I met with Manda, an amazing lactation consultant, because I liked her best at the hospital.  She remembered me and was happy to help.  After watching Celeste breastfeed and looking in her mouth Manda decided to send us to physical therapy!

What?!?  I am a speech therapist and I work with swallowing/eating.  What on earth is a physical therapist going to do to help me?  Curse that Humble Train!

I call the PT and make an appointment.  Pat looks at Celeste's mouth and tongue then tells me all the reasons why Celeste isn't eating.  She gives me some "exercises and stretches" to do to improve her oral motor movement.  I feel a little guilty for not knowing what was wrong and what to do.  I have worked with kids, never new borns, but still!  I am grateful for someone who can help Celeste.  Because I am a therapist I know how important these suggestions are and I start doing them immediately.

After 10 days of doing these therapy exercises, meeting with lactation a few more times, meeting with the physical therapist again, lots of Lanolin, lots of pumping, and worrying we go in for another weight check.  Celeste weighs 7 lbs and 10.8 oz.  We haven't made it back to birth weight, but we have made steady gains.

Manda tells me we are going in the right direction and feels like we are out of the woods so to speak.  Pat is amazed at how much progress Celeste has made.  She no longer thinks Celeste needs therapy.  I am feeling really confident about how things are going.  I am enjoying nursing again because let's be honest when your worried about your baby gaining weight nursing isn't fun.  I am feeling like a normal person again.  Celeste is sleeping more and more each night!

Celeste is now 6 weeks old and my motherly instinct kicks in.  I have a feeling Celeste isn't gaining weight.  We are still in newborn diapers and newborn clothes.  She isn't really all that fussy and she sleeps through the night, but I still felt like something was not going right.  I take her in for a weight check and sure enough we are at 7 lbs 12 oz.  I could have cried right there.  In two weeks we gained one ounce.

The doctor (not Celeste's regular doctor) tells me I have to start formula immediately.  The doctor tells me Celeste is in the 2nd percentile for weight and she is now considered "failure to thrive."  I nearly wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry for my lethargic baby who is sleeping so much because she doesn't have enough energy to stay awake.  I wanted to cry for all the effort I had made.  I wanted to cry for the number of trips on that darn Humble Train.  I wanted to cry because I feel like I have no choice.  I go home disappointed and frustrated with 5 cans of formula samples.

For 2 days I nurse Celeste as much as I can, but she really starts taking to the bottle quickly.  I don't want to starve my baby, but I still can't let this breastfeeding thing go.  I am so bugged!  I talk to my mom and sister.  I shed many tears.  Then I get to thinking about things.  I decide to go back to what we were doing before.  Celeste was gaining weight when I was pumping.  It was slow, but still gaining.  I make a decision that I as much as I hate pumping I will pump!  I also decide to pump and whatever I do pump I will feed to Celeste.  I won't have any storage, but I hopefully will have a happy baby.  I am confident this will work.

I do this for 6 days.  I call to schedule a weight check with her regular doctor.  I am a little nervous, but I feel like what we are doing is working.  I nearly jumped up and down for joy when the scale reads 8 lbs. 1 oz!  We have gained 5 ounces in 6 days!

We are on the right track, but I have to keep pumping and feeding her the hind milk for the next two weeks.  We have a lot of weight to gain!

I am not loving this right now because I can't go anywhere.  I am loving a happy healthy baby.  I hope the weight gain continues and I hope I don't have to ride the Humble Train again for a while.

Froggy The Friend

Grant recently learned how to pump on the swing and he loves it!  He is so proud of himself.  One day he took his pet frog out on the swings and tried to teach him how to swing.  He kept telling Froggy to put his legs "straight" and "back."  I thought it was so sweet.  

After I had Celeste it broke my heart that I wasn't able to spend as much time as I wanted to with Grant.  It took some time to get adjusted to having two children.  Oh, wait I am still adjusting to having to share my time and attention.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!  

I am so proud to be the mother of these two cute kids.  I love them with all my heart!  I am so glad I have the chance to be there mom. 

I am so grateful I have the chance to be a stay at home mom for a while.  These cuties need me and I need them.

I am also so grateful for my own mother.  She is a great example of hard work, dedication, and honesty.   She is also a great example of testimony.  I don't know of anyone else with the faith my mother has.  I am grateful she could come and help me get adjusted to having a new born this last week.  I couldn't have done it with out her.  

I am also so grateful for the many other mother's in my life.  My grandma, mother-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, and many other friends!  They are all such wonderful examples to me.

Indoor Camping

Grant and Kyle had a father son camp out in Grant's room.  They made a tent out of sheets and chairs.  They slept on a twin mattress, actually let me rephrase that...Grant slept on the mattress and Kyle attempted to sleep on the mattress.  Kyle said some time in the middle of the night Grant pulled down the sheets.  Kyle was a good sport about it and overall they had a great time.  I have to say losing sleep is a pretty selfless act.  Kyle is a great dad!

The Newest Member of the Family

For about a week or so Grant kept talking about Kuku.  Kyle and I would ask probing questions about Kuku but would usually get vague answers.  For a week we kept hearing about this Kuku character, but didn't know who he was or what it was.  At first I thought it was a toy or animal friend at Grant's daycare.  I wasn't sure and couldn't figure Kuku out.  Finally, I got Grant to tell me about Kuku.  Kuku is a boy and he is 2 and a half.  He loves the color green, basketball, monster trucks, and other boy things.  We would hear Grant talking to someone and we would ask who he was talking to and he would always say Kuku.  I started to think that Kuku was an imaginary friend.  I thought it was kind of cute.  I encouraged it a little bit and after a few days I found out who Kuku really is.  He is Grant's little brother!  He is smaller than Grant and can't do all the things big boys can do and so Grant helps him.  Grant now tells people there are four members in his family.  The adults then look at me expectantly think I will make an announcement that we are expecting a baby.  It has made for some very interesting conversations over the last few days.  I also have had the experience of brushing Kuku's teeth, setting his place at the dinner table, washing him in the tub, and lots of other things little brother's need.  If you ask Grant to spell Kuku's name he will tell you "q-r-s-t-u-v."  It has been quite entertaining to say the least!

Reversed Parenting

I think we are all familiar with reversed psychology, but I have a new concept reversed parenting. Reversed parenting is when a parenting strategy back fires and instead of the child being the recipient the parent is.  Let me give an example.

On Wednesday I had the day off and since it was snowing diagonally Grant and I stayed in the house all day.  We played Moon Dough, puzzles, the Wii, Pop-o-Matic Trouble, Uno, Angry Birds, marbles, watched a movie and read a few books.  (It was a busy day.)

As dinner time rolled around we were just finishing up playing marbles.  I told Grant he needed to put all the marbles in the bag and I would help him put away the rest of the marble set.  I left to go defrost some chicken and a few minutes later I hear...

"this is a problem.  Ohh, this is a problem."

I respond by asking, "what's the matter Grant?"

"I asked you to help me clean up these marbles and you are not doing it.  This is a big problem mom."

"Grant, you only have to pick up the marbles and then I will put the rest of the stuff away."

In a calm "Love and Logic" tone he says, "No, I asked you to help me clean up these marbles.  You are not helping me and this is draining my energy."

"I don't want your energy to be gone."

Again in the calm tone, "Well, mom since you aren't helping me and picking up these marbles is really draining my energy.  Since you aren't helping me you will have to do something for me so I can get my energy back."

I ask, "Like what?  I am cooking dinner."

In a sweet voice he says, "I think if you give me a hug or maybe a kiss that would give me my energy back."

I smile and give me sweet boy a big hug and a kiss!